Akinwunmi Ambode, Let’s Stand on Your Mandate
I don’t know what to think again o. In a brief chat with the admirable former Governor of Lagos State, Akinwunmi Ambode, he debunked the news making the arounds about his reelection bid. He said, “Duke, all na fake news. If anything go happen, I go let you know.” His words were reassuring enough, so I just asked when he would come over for an afang treat.
But as soon as I dropped the phone, the very first thing I saw was a post on a credible medium, citing his decision to recontest. I was weak and, as I could not call him back – egbon picks calls once in six months – I just shrugged and faced my afang.
Then, Promise called me – Promise is a developmental banker who is very passionate about politics and governance. “Duke, tell your man Ambode not to be tying himself to Tinubu. If he wants to win this thing, he needs to cut himself away from Tinubu.” I laughed and said “This shows that you no even understand Nigerian politics. Who in their right senses, except El-Rufai and Sowore, will cut themselves from Tinubu and hope to win anything in Nigeria of today?
Mbok, my brother, leave our Ambode alone o, if you want to support him, support him o and leave whoever he is “linking or not linking to.”
He ended up saying, “That guy na performer Duke, he needs to come back, we love him and we want him back,” and dropped the phone.
Now, I am even more confused than ever before – Oga say he no do, media dey shout all over the place that Oga is coming back.
Well for me, Ambode is my sole candidate for any election in this country. If he decides to come out under any guise – linking Tinubu or not, I will not only vote for him but will canvass and run all over Lagos stark naked for his candidacy.
Make una no ask me why, all I know is that on his mandate we stand. Thank you.
Sijibomi Ogundele: No More Tears
My people, it is enough to cry. Aburo sat down there in expensive wears – a luxury wristwatch and sneakers – talking, and all of a sudden started to cry. The “aje butter” could not take it anymore as he bawled with catarrh and saliva almost coming out of his mouth.
Mbok, he railed – I have suffered, they took me to court, I suffered, I enter jungle, crocodile nearly ate me, I jumped out, ate “agbalumo” for days, I really suffered o and now see what they are doing to me.
I pitied him o because I have been there too. The difference being that I didn’t cry on social media but cried in my cell, which is what great men do. My sources at EFCC have told me that some of these big men will wear a T-shirt with the inscription: “EFCC, I am here”, for the media, but inside they will be crying and grovelling.
One once told me – na for that ground wey you dey stand, your oga, bank MD siddon dey cry o.
Anyways, today is not about Sujimoto’s tears but the need for authorities to use this case to make a point. This kind of high-profile case should be used to attempt to restore public confidence in the system, I swear.Me I know for a fact that it is not only Sujimoto that should be crying over this matter. I swear, some Enugu State government officials should also be crying. Abi are we not all Nigerians?
It is 100% impossible that over N5 billion will leave a government and move towards another bank and not the bank that issued the performance guarantee without the flow being diverted in so many places before the thing reach Suji.
I can swear with my left testicle to this. So, the EFCC must do a thorough job and very dispassionately, so that we can see many more tears on camera.
As for my aburo, you didn’t need that “performance”, a strongly worded statement from your lawyers would have sufficed, and then you drive yourself to the place, have media escort you to the gate, smile at us, wave us bye and walk in straight to the toilet and cry very well. We didn’t need to see those tears, especially as they looked like what the Enugu State Government has labelled crocodile tears. Thank you.
Abike Dabiri in the Eye of the Storm
What this my gracious aunty has done to “Igbo people” online continues to baffle me. For some time now, she has been the butt of attack by a large number of “Igbo people” on social media. She has been called all sorts of names that I cannot mention in a family-themed column like this – mbok make I mention make he sweet abeg – bigot, Yoruba fool and the mother of it all, ape.
She reached out, and we had a good laugh over it. “Edgar, one woman tweeting under Voice of Igbo, just called me the mother of all apes or something in that regard.” I laughed and laughed and laughed, and she said, “See Edgar, I was just responding to another tweet that mentioned ape with a smiley and the next minute, one Peoples Gazette has gone to town that I have called all Igbos ape and monkey.”
I could not stop laughing because I didn’t see the link between the ever so elegant Abike and an ape.
You see, these social media people are just something else, and the best thing to do is to just ignore them. You will just be wasting your time trying to even understand their angles. For me, I have concluded that these N100 digital warriors just carry their frustrations out on their platforms and let loose venom just for the fun of it.
So, taking someone who can call Abike an ape over a very serious issue, seriously, is just a bloody waste of time. It is like the saying that if you argue with a madman in public, people will not know the difference.
Meanwhile, Madam Abike, there is an “Igbo” boy all over social media who identifies as a gorilla. Maybe you should invite him for lunch and you guys feast on bananas, jumping up and down in a gorilla fashion, discuss monkey business and then screen “To Kill a Monkey” for him to watch.
Maybe, after that, the “Igbo” people on social media will no longer see you as an ape but an antelope or better still, peacock. Na wa, Aunty mi, just ignore them and keep doing your very well-appreciated job.
Natasha Akpoti-Uduaghan: What’s Going On?
This is what you get when you take little men with little minds and put them in one place and call the place National…
Mbok, which one is this one again? The lady has served her full punishment, even went to court to get relief, and you say, you don’t understand the judgment. The lady kept quiet, and now that her six months suspension is over, you are all still playing “monkey games” with her and Nigerians.
This is nothing short of “agbaya” things. Mbok, I don’t even want to know the reasons why she cannot be called back because it’s all just so nauseating. They should just please respect themselves and allow the woman back to her seat, abeg.
These people just like to be doing agbaya things all the time. It is even shameful that all that transpired even did and now they cannot even fashion out a reconciliation? Doing like prostitutes chewing gum and fighting over customers.
Please, whoever or whatever is in charge of that place, this crap should stop or are we trying to say that this one woman is now a major threat to the continued corporate existence of the National Assembly? One woman ooooo.
Mbok, they should just stop all these “kira kata” and give the woman back her seat, abeg. Enough of the games. Come and beat me.
Dino Melaye’s Shot Below the Belt
One thing I always warn people about this exhibitionist is his mouth. Kai, the man can yab, and he no dey waste time. Once the fight starts, he jumps into the ring like an agbero and lets loose.
He will yab and yab and then add songs, and then he will be dancing on top just to make you squirm in pain.
Do you remember his fight with Yahaya Bello, the Kogi strongman? He composed different songs for that one, yabbed him and danced for him and then finished him off by sticking out his tongue, pulling on his eyelids, screaming “Ntounnnnnnnnn!!!!”
He once took Nyesom Wike to the dry cleaners. To date, that one has not responded to him for fear of retaliation.
Now, President Tinubu is his recent target. I have known that since Dino went to mistakenly pass Law School, we will not hear word again.
Anyways, that was how he went on air to talk about the compulsive borrowing nature of this government and landed with the nuclear bomb- the way they are going, they will soon go and borrow from MoniePoint and Opay.
Ohhhh my God, that was epic. Kai, that is the mother of all yabis. It reminded me of those days in secondary school when two people were yabbing themselves. When one hits the mark, we will all shout, “Aghhhhhhhhhh, kai, he has killed you.” In Yoruba, we will say “Kai, Semiu, Luku ti pa e.”
Kai, Bola, Dino ti pa eeeee. Kai, there is no comeback on that one. Kai, Dino, your mouth eghnnn, na soakaway. You are the king of yabis, I swear. How did you come about that Opay and MoniePoint? The thing just off me as we say it in Shomolu.
Kai, kai, Dino you will not kill someone one day. Oya e remain the song and dance that should go with it ooo. Don’t disappoint us ooo, we are waiting.
Olayemi Cardoso: Still on the Matter
It is just as well that Dino has brought up this matter. The matter of borrowing from Fintech firms. As a result of the harsh economic climate, which we have been told and agree is not your making, Nigerians have resorted in their millions to be borrowing money from these virtual shylocks at “crazy” rates.
When you borrow at over 60% per annum just to feed for a week, then you know that Nigerians are now on the ropes. So repayment is usually not feasible and then you now see the real problems.
They will go on an expansive shaming spree, contacting your allies and sending cryptic messages defaming you and calling you all sorts of names, including thief, bastard, traitor, etc. Names much more daring than the “criminal” Sowore has called your Oga.
I tell you, if you go by Dino’s advice and truly go and borrow money from any of these Fintechs, and you cannot pay on time, ehn. Before you send Wale Edun to go and negotiate an extension, they will send a text to everybody calling you worse names than all the names Sowore has called Tinubu.
I hear the CBN is now trying really hard to curb their activities and impose a fine. I think they should criminalise it because a lot of people have committed suicide or been mentally and psychologically damaged as a result of their activities.
Thank you, sir, but in case you need a guarantor for the loan, Dino has said your Oga may be borrowing in no distant future, I will be more than happy to fill the form for you, sir. Ema bi nu, Daddy wa.
Atedo Peterside: A Different Kind of Man
Let me quickly just say a big happy birthday to a strong member of the Maddtimes Power list of most powerful and influential Nigerians, Mr. Atedo Peterside.
I heard he celebrated his birthday recently. I am not sure of the age, so I keep silent on that. As usual, I was not invited. I thought of so many things to do to this gentleman to exact my revenge, and settled on drawing his caricature with him totally nude, with nothing but his bowler hat and walking stick.
The caricaturist has refused to take the instructions and obey orders, and I have, in turn been shouting at him: “do you know what they call this in the army?”
Anyways, my big uncle and elder statesman, at about 30 years or less, pioneered a dream – meritocracy in banking and today you have forged in Africa a giant financial behemoth, cementing your place in the annals of our nation’s history.
Happy Birthday, my Lord and may you continue in good health and in our Lord’s massive cover. Thank you.
Joseph Edgar: Do You Speak or Write Better?
The other day, out of boredom, I sent out a broadcast to my followers with a question: Which do you think is my true strength – writing or speaking? The feedback I got threw me into a fit of anger, and I immediately responded and yabbed them all out.
See my response: It’s looking like today is kinda lazy, as over 100 people have replied to my broadcast, asking if I speak or write better. It’s as if people were just waiting for the broadcast as the response started flowing in almost immediately.
ChiefBiodun Shobanjo who has been threatening to send people to come and beat me, responded: “None of the above, come and beat me.” I responded by also threatening to remove him from the Power List
My egbon, Dapo Adelegan, also responded and said none of the above, but that I was a better prostitute. I threatened to release his nude and he ran away. Gabriel Ogbechie screamed, “Writing oooo.” Well, I no blame am because he never takes my call; he no want give me sponsorship, so how will he hear me speak?
Laide Oropo, wey never see sunlight in months, also shouted, writing and concluded by saying that I easily get distracted when challenged in a speech, I ignore am.
Ex-actress and former pastor’s wife, Abiola Segun William, come even worsen the matter. She say I no get skill in anything, say na creative idea I get, meaning say, I be mumu because I ask am question.
E come be like say people were waiting to just annoy me this afternoon.
Even Ruth Osime, wey dey hug me every time I blast on her programme, come even say writing, and she no kuku spell the writing well. My big sister, Fayo chime in, say, na writing, say my speeches too get – shey you get?
Well, yesterday I write about enemies. I mistakenly say I get only two. Na lie, dem pass 100. See as people are calling me mumu. Say na writing, when me I know say that I am one of the greatest ever public speakers.
Go to the University of Ibadan and ask them. Me wey dey win debate get accommodation for four years. As I dey write, even Okupe of Ijebuland don follow put mouth, who buy data for am sef?
I am a skilled speaker o. Me wey dey talk and people go begin dey bow. Speakers like me no plenty. People like Winston Churchill, Obama, Hitler and maybe JFK reach my standard.
In Nigeria, na people like Hassan Kukah, that Igbo boy Chukwumerijie wey dey talk like say honey dey him mouth and also the late Ken Saro Wiwa and General Ike Nwachukwu be my mates for speaking.
How would big head Wole of Old Mutual know that when all he listens to is Kwam 1’s laughable apology statement?
God just saved this Kuti Sofumade, who wisely sat on the fence. I was waiting for him, I swear, because I for scatter am but the juju wey he get just help am as he say – your writing and speaking are out of Shomolu.
See, let me just warn all of you saying I cannot speak to go and sit down o. Me, that I have talked a virgin into a maternity ward? How many of you can do that? Me that I started talking in my mother’s womb?
One Atinuke even said my voice is hoarse; it’s her husband’s voice that is hoarse. Another one says I will be doing em em em when I speak. I will soon beat him. Thankfully, Yemi Shodimu get flat tyre for Sagamu; otherwise, that old Yoruba dancer would come and add his own.
See, I SPEAK better than writing. Na me know myself, and I know that I speak better than writing. Nobody should come and look for my trouble this wet afternoon o.
Next time, if I ask you people that kind question, just ask me back – Duke, wetin you want hear and I will tell you and you tell me. That’s the wise thing to do.
Kai, I’m so angry. Imagine over 90 people saying I cannot speak. Lol.
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