Atuwatse III: The Regal King of Now
A lady called a traditional ruler Baby King and his subjects started pouring Seamans aromatic schnapps on the floor, wringing chicken neck and dancing around naked on the street, laying curses on the woman. It is things like this that would make me not say what I really feel about our traditional institutions in Nigeria as I no get juju to repeal any curse. Anyways, the beautiful thing is that in the midst of the “shambles” there lies the regal, widely respected and overwhelmingly distinguished Olu of Warri.
Atuwatse III has brought much more than panache to the throne of his forefathers. He has restored a lot of dignity to the throne, thereby heaping a lot of pride not only on his subjects but to the rest of the country, and I daresay the world.
The other day he was hosted by FIFA and the pictures that came out of that episode brought me very close to tears.
I simply just love this monarch – his carriage, his very strong good looks, his powerful attires – I hear it is my egba friend who is behind some of those attires. Much more importantly, his detached, positive arrogance towards issues and engagements stands him out as the true face of modern Nigerian monarchy.
I once visited him in his huge and beautiful Palace in Warri.
The way we were received, coached and the engagement in itself left us with so much awe that we retired to one buka down the road, and over bowls of banga and starch discussed, still in fear, what we just experienced.
I just say make I hail you this morning “baba.” May your reign be long, may you continue to lead the renaissance that you have been destined to lead and may you dash me one of those robes – the one you no dey wear again, make I use am pose for Shomolu. Ogiame Suo!!!!
Betty Akeredolu: Thorn in Their Flesh
All I know about this lady is that instead of facing school that her papa sent her, she was distracted by one handsome Yoruba boy who married her and made her First lady of the very proud Ondo State.
Since the late Akeredolu passed, Madam Betty has not let Ondo people drink water. But then again, do Ondo people really want to drink water? This fixation with the widow is really beating my imagination. Mbok, I have just seen a write-up ascribed to my WhatsApp friend, Ajulo purportedly saying that the state government may commence a probe as to the death of their late governor, Akeredolu.
I am not surprised because if you are on Ajulo’s WhatsApp, you will be wondering if “he get work.” The messages never stop coming – birthday, essays, reports, appointments, jokes, everything hits you per second, and you would be wondering – no be Commissioner and Attorney-General be this?
Anyways, it is looking like it is this “too much time to spare” that would be most likely bringing about this report. Abi how else can we rationally explain this one? The same Governor Akeredolu who was globally ill and we all joined hands to pray for him. As he tried to hide his state of health to cling to power, we all stood aside and prayed for him. We all supported the change of power in favour of the incumbent so that the man could go and focus on his health.
So today, because the “poor” widow is shaking baba, baba is all of a sudden wanting to probe to see if “mummy” had a hand in the death according to the report that I have seen.
Mbok, if you watch crime fighters very well, the first step in solving a crime, especially murder or anything like that, is to first check who has benefitted from that crime. So, if we look at this “purported crime,” who really benefitted from it? Is it the widow who has lost warmth in her bed or…?
Mbok make una leave me this morning. I am looking for school fees, not someone that will file a defamation suit against me like they did to Dele Farotimi. That one juju will fight juju.
Please, let Betty Akeredolu be, she is just a harmless widow – no be she cause Ondo problem. Come and beat me.
David Mark: Return of the Mark
Boredom has brought David Mark out of purgatory to the national stage. He has left palm wine and long days of boredom playing ludo and drinking whatever they drink in his village – when Fulani herdsmen are not pursuing them – to come and snatch a job as interim chairman of the latest caricature of a party.
It is very clear where my sentiments lie in this Nigeria. Me, I am opposed to Tinubu and in my sleep, if you wake me, I will tell you that. Even if it means you are coming to beat me. But this one that “comedians” are coming out of the woodwork to pretend to be forming a coalition to “wrestle” power just grates me to no end.
This Mark sef has personalised all that is wrong in leadership in this country. A leadership that is laced with personalised, self-interest as fuel in public service cannot be an alternative to the fire that is burning in this country.
What has Mark really brought to the table in his sojourn in power – from coup, to governor, to minister to senator to one of the longest serving Senate presidents? What has he marked in this country that he will now come out of restive retirement and at that age to come and be croaking in a leprose coalition?
What we need to topple this president is much more than walking stick, denture mouthed, wobbly-legged old men who have passed their sell by date and who will be relying on nostalgia and diminishing stolen resources as veritable weapons.
What we need is vibrancy, clarity of thought, a selfless engagement of the people to create a tsunami of discontent and now direct this huge wave towards the ballot box. This is why Nigeria needs me, I tell you. Wait let me finish eating afang, I will come and give this Tinubu a run of his money, and when I finish, he will tell me well done. Not these ones, and certainly not David mark. Kai.
Sim Fubara: A Heroic Withering
Anytime I see this man, what comes to my mind is a withering “john thomas.” You know when you are faced with a sinfully beautiful damsel, lying in the bed there waiting for you, legs spread and the thing just no gree wake up. You do everything within your powers and nothing. Kai, the engine no gree start and the more frantic you get, the more the thing is disappearing. You find yourself in what I want to call a “Sim Fubara” state of mind.
A “Sim Fubara” state of mind is when the willingness is there, anger is sufficiently strong but the power to insert and fight no just dey.
When I saw the purported conditions, I said to myself, even an eunuch from my village Nsit Ubiom will never agree to this kind of conditions. If the conditions are what they say they are and Fubara agreed to them, then he is what we used to call in Shomolu -orobo su fe. For those of you who are not Yoruba, please ask your landlord’s widow to interpret for you.
This was a bloody waste of time, this person has no single strand of leadership in his veins. He just came, saw and agreed to be humiliated for the lucre of office. For this one, history or legacy are not words in his lexicon. All I have at this pity. Thank you.
A Thorny Road to Free Speech for Speed Darlington
This one, I have to be very careful because the matter is very sensitive. Let me rehash- so this loudmouth goes on social media to boast of sleeping with an underaged. As expected, social media goes berserk asking for his head – how can he say that, even if he did not do it, he still cannot say that and the noise gets to NAPTIP whose job it is to also protect the underage and they summoned him.
The loudmouth refused to honour the invitation and he has been declared wanted with a bounty of about N50million (not confirmed) on his head. Loudmouth comes out to say that “irresponsible speech is not a crime,” and as such, if they really want him, they should pay him an appearance fee and buy his ticket.
Now this is my position and for the first time in my tatafo career I have to really choose my words. NAPTIP is in a good position summoning him. It is within their jurisdiction and rights to react to such an abrasive statement and they must follow through, especially the fact that a minor(s) could be in danger or may have been abused or sexually exploited. The statutes that set them up justifies this.
But that said, the man’s claim that there is no victim, no petition and no crime committed makes the whole thing “one kind.” Can there be a murder with no victim? Till date nobody has come out to say they were molested by Speedy and to the best of my knowledge, no petition or complaint except social media rants.
So, for me, all things being equal, this is a test of freedom of speech and as loudmouth has asked – is irresponsible talk a crime? I really think that stakeholders and experts should calm down and look at this matter very carefully because it goes straight to our constitutionally enshrined rights of free speech and also tries to impinge on the constitutionally enshrined rights of protection of the minor.
It is not a straightforward case for both sides and that is why we don’t need “gra gra” for this matter. I think a panel of enquiry be set up to look very closely at this matter and submit the report to the President for due consideration and till then, NAPTIP please withdraw that your hasty poster declaring Speedy wanted and let’s look at this thing critically.
Kofi Abunu: A Chicken Delight
Let me quickly hail this man. He is the MD of the firm that owns the popular franchise – Chicken Republic. Kai, they have just announced stupendous results. A whopping N95 billion for the year ended 2024. This is remarkable because they are coming from N3.6 billion in 2014 and before then, they were in a loss position.
Baba says that the result was as a result of some strategic moves involving eclectic use of energy, power, sexy pricing, marketing survey and much more importantly, nobody is thieving.
You see, the issue with our businesses is the penchant for its promoters to be using the cash flows to fund lifestyle. This eats into the capital and the company will start suffering and they will now be shouting Tinubu. It is very clear that this Food Concept people know what they are doing and it is paying off.
Wale Babalakin: A Gentleman, Philosopher
During the week, it was Daddy’s 65th and it was an open house. This was my second time of invading his beautiful home in two months. My accomplice, Mr. Macalabi will give me information – Duke there is an open house and when you get to the gate, flash me and I will come to the gate and take you in.
We have done this style twice now to a huge success. This time around, Oga said “Duke buy something,” and I replied, “Me wey never pay school fees, wetin I go give a billionaire?” He did not give up. “E no good, every time we come here and chop and not give him anything.” I said, “Ok, wetin we go give am,” and he suggested buying fabrics that he can make agbada with. I screamed “Oga, you live near Banana Island, me I dey near Shomolu, I should come and buy lace because of one plate of ofada that I am going to eat. Please let me go and buy him a book.” So, I went and bought him a biography of King Sunny Ade for N15,000, my chop money for the day, and invaded again.
This time I was lucky as I sat beside my brother Seyi Akinwunmi and ate ofada rice, fried rice and plenty of snails. I also drank watermelon juice and orange juice and took cake. So, it was a strong return on investment. I spent N15,000 and ate over N100,000 worth of food. Who says Nigeria does not have a good investment climate?
Anyways, I saw many beautiful and brilliant people. Mr. Odiachi, Pastor Ituah’s partner who refused to mention his name, Rufai Oseni was there and too many big people to mention.
Dr Babalakin is a personal hero of mine because of what he is doing in education amongst others. Let me seize this opportunity to wish him a beautiful long life in good health and too many more achievements.
Let me also thank the very beautiful Mrs. Babalakin who says he reads this column for being such a wonderful hostess. The food was something else Mummy, when can we come again so I can bring takeaway packs?
Joseph Edgar: The Afang Chronicles
By the time you read this, my birthday would have passed.
I would have clocked the ripe old age of 56 and may start dancing like Wike and also croak like him.
Life has not been easy, but God has blessed me with good health, good looks and a huge appetite for Afang, that wonderful soup that has led to many unwanted pregnancies.
As is the case every year, I had asked my friends, political opponents including members of APC and the new ADC to donate to my favourite cause – widows’ empowerment.
I have received a massive response and I thank God for my friends who have helped me put a smile on the faces of some widows.
The prayer is to look as good as RMD, skinny like Mudi, rich like Dangote and be as foxy as Donald Duke as I approach 60 with reluctant verve.
Let me seize this opportunity to thank you the readers of the column because it’s not easy to be reading my jargons every week despite the massive headache it will be causing you guys.
Let me also thank the Editor who edits the column with panadol in his pocket and be saying – Edgar, I dey read your column three times… It can’t be easy.
Anyways, let me sign off here as I need to run. Thanks and God bless you all.
Joseph Edgar: The Afang Chronicles.
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