Elumelu’s Gift to Charles Okocha
I have been an avid fan of this gentleman for sometime now. If you follow him on social media, you will be able to plot his outlook. Not only that, he has no airs around him and carries on with life with the ease of a man who is fulfilled and happy.
However, I have been seeing a strange thing on the gram recently. The popular Charles Okocha has been mimicking him, complete with his hype man. He has been dressing and almost talking like Elumelu which usually leaves me in stitches.
Charles is one of the biggest pop culture influencers in the country. He is followed by millions and has introduced such mega popular themes to our popular lexicon. He gave the word “phenomenal” a whole new meaning, after making “amo shine” an inspirational anthem for a generation.
With the series of Elumelu skits, Charles seems to have come back home after pulling Jay Z as his alter ego for years. Today, Mr. Elumelu seems to be his alter ego and the contrast in the outlook of both men feeds very ferociously into the contenting interpretation of the skits.
For all of his efforts, we have just learned that that Mr. Elumelu has reportedly rewarded Charles with $75,000 for Christmas. And Charles, in reporting this “phenomenal” gift, delivered a masterpiece of a skit.
If you want to forget your immediate worries this season, kindly go on Instagram and look for Charles Okocha and see his various skits parodying Mr. Elumelu and you will laugh until you wet your pants. Jay Z will not be finding this funny; I swear.
Seyi Makinde: The Million Naira Man
The problem with “fabu” is that you must be a natural. Telling fibs is God-given and cannot be learnt. You see, Wike is blessed with the talent of giving “fabu”. The thing flows from his mouth like Okra and he doesn’t even blink as he lets loose of the stories.
Go back and watch the interview where he talked about his father as a General
Manager and how he came about his wealth, or was it Rolls Royce? Now compare that with Seyi Makinde, who, the other day, took Journalists on a “fabulistic” ride and fell down flat on his face.
His temperament, outlook, carriage and choice of words showed very clearly that he is not a master fabulist in the mold of Wike. His story did not hold water and the way he told the story was also opaque. As he rendered to us on how he made $1million, his face remained plain, devoid of
character and you could see that he was uncomfortable. Nowhere did we see the Wike classic fabu stance – the hand gestures, the drama of his engagement, the background music and the sometimes effective dance steps as the song ‘As he dey pepper them’ hit the airwaves.
Makinde was not only boring but emerged as a very terrible liar. It made us start to ask what exactly he learnt from the Wike school having been a strong member of the G5 – a group of “fish ling” governors led by Wike and whose sole purpose was to destabilise the PDP. That his story of making $1million from a contract of the same $1million has thrown Seyi up the ladder of immortal Fabulis, a rating that even his principal, Wike has not reached, making Nigerians to go and fish out his picture the year he claims to have made that huge sum. In the picture, he had the impoverished face of a suffering Nigerian complete with pimples.
Oga should go back to school for a quick refresher course on giving fabu if he is going to compete well. Even he himself did not believe the story from the look on his face as he gave the famous “lie”. Na wa, we have suffered in this country, I swear.
The Wonderful Man in Abubakar Malami
This was Muhammadu Buhari’s number one law enforcement man and if we are to believe the charges against this oga by the EFCC, then we took a confirmed rapist and gave him the keys to our female hostel.
Of course he will have his day in court as I do not believe in emotional outburst in cases like this and would usually prefer to wait until due process has taken its course. But what we are hearing ehn, with the billions of assets and liquid cash this man is being accused of, one would be wishing that we could go back to the days of the wild West.
How do you keep a straight face and do this kind of crime – if it is all true o. I can understand that odd mansion in Abuja and two more in his village but to acquire a whole city? Yes na, if you see the number of buildings he is being accused of, e reach to turn Jalingo into a modern day European country.
These people don’t fear God o as they just go along with impunity and a disdain for those of us who truly own the collective wealth of the nation.
The beautiful thing about this pilfering is that, what we have now is a turning table of “thieves” and persecutors. As one “regime” is coming to an end, the stars of that regime are chased by the new masters. And when those ones finish their tenure, the new masters will start chasing that one. What we have now is no longer a government but a rolling hill of “thieves”. Make una continue.
Carter Efe: The Clown Who Made Good
This social media influencer has carried tomfoolery to another level. He has played into the ‘mumuism’ that is the Nigerian youth and is cashing out madly. He was recently announced the highest streamer on Twitch with about 200,000 fully subscribed followers. He is so popular now that major stars are fighting to visit him in his studio.
The other day, the music superstar Davido went to visit him and in one phone call, got him a N200m brand ambassador deal and also gifted him N20m to share among his fans.
But when you watch him, you don’t see the sense in what he is doing. Screaming incoherently, running around barely covered and getting violent, smashing stuff, banging his head on walls and literally beating up his side kicks.
Our youths have rewarded this caricature with huge following and phenomenal wealth. I don’t see what all the fuss is about but then again, me I go school and I get sense. Same cannot be said for the millions who throng his broadcast to watch him spit on the wall, tie a towel and run around like a man infested with rabies and all the other mad things that he does.
Yes, I am envious because see me doing strong historical dramas and everybody is begging for complimentary tickets, leaving me penniless, and this person is lisping into millions just by being himself. Life.
Taiwo Oyedele: The Confusion of a Law
I don’t kuku understand the whole tax brouhaha. They first introduced this man with brown face and he was going all over the place saying that he wants to tax prostitutes and the rest.
See, when it comes to tax, I blank out. I don’t understand the thing and do not even bother to go there. All I have been hearing sha has been that from next year, it will be hell for us regarding the so-called tax reforms that this Baba is championing. And then the man will reply and say “Oh no, Nigerians will pay less, and that it is only the very wealthy and big companies that will pay more.”
Anyway, in the last few days, we have been hearing of a doctored tax law or something along those lines. Even grandfather Atiku has come out to say his own bit against what is going on.
What is very obvious now is the fact that Nigerians are very worried about what is going on as the authorities seem to have carried themselves into some kind of a big hole on this matter. Thanks to the government, their National Assembly and one man that they call Oyedele. Na Bola Ige style that I am doing on this matter – siddon look. Like I have already
said in the beginning – something that you don’t understand, shebi na to keep quiet?
Me, I am here with my hand firmly holding my lips and waiting to see what will happen.
Doris Ogala: The Watermouth Actress
This one is another irritant. She went into an affair as a married woman, left her husband and started sending sex tapes to another man who after having his fill moved on to marry someone else. End of case abi?
No ooo. The actress goes on air to accuse the man of all sorts, abuse him and threaten his marriage, citing that he had promised him to marry her and as such he cannot change his mind.
How it changing my mind lead to me be punished by beheading is beating me here right now. So someone in the moments of passion cannot promise heaven and earth and when he climbs down and reality hits him, he cannot change his mind?
My grandmother once said that only a foolish woman believes the promises a man makes while he is on top. Yes, men say all sorts during the ride and when he comes down, he cannot even remember whatever it is that he had promised.
So Ms Ogala believed all this Pastor must have said to go one more time and felt that he meant every word of it. Today, Oga has changed mouth and has moved on and Sister Doris will shamelessly not let us hear word.
Men sha be careful. In this day and age, it is not in every hole you go and hunt. My great advice to you all is that if you find something of interest, allow me to be your tastemaker before you plunge. Let me be like the court taster who tastes everything the King is to eat or drink to ensure he is not being poisoned. I can do the job very well, let me be your taster before you go and join with that kind of woman. Na wa.
Jalo Waziri: A Very Honourable Exit
My brother has just retired from CSCS Plc. The CSCS for those of you that don’t know is the largest central depository in the capital market. I think it is one of the biggest in Africa and certainly one of the most profitable.
Jalo played a very keen hand in moving the place from a backwater operation to its very enviable place today and it is for this reason that the whole capital market is in a joyous mood as they send off one of the most influential members of their community.
Jalo comes with a very rich pedigree, having worked in some of the most stellar institutions within the market- SEC, Afrinvest, NGX, all before the CSCS where he ran for over a decade.
Well done my Oga. You surely left a very strong performance track. Well done sir.
Mazi Princewill Utchay: Thanks for Oscar Ibru
Mazi Princewill prides himself as the promoter of the very first 24-hour Chinese Restaurant on the continent. Well, it is not for that claim that I am saluting him today. It is for the recent all-white tribute that he organised for his dear friend Oscar Ibru at the same restaurant.
As usual, I was invited as an afterthought but not about me, the party was swell and we enjoyed ourselves. Chinese food flowed with strong wine and brilliant speeches on the dear departed Oscar.
It was a night well organised and well spent.
Thank you so much, my big brother, for giving Oscar such a huge honour. Well done.
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