A Call for Introspection
It is this visa cancellation matter—and the restrictions being imposed across the world by countries that believe they are “all that”—that is particularly troubling. To be clear, these policies affect not just Nigerians but nearly all third-world countries. What makes it especially painful for us is how we have turned this “japa” phenomenon into a national pastime. In my context, “japa” is not limited to economic refugees; it also speaks to our habit of jumping on a plane for any reason at all. Over the years, Nigerians have developed an almost irresponsible obsession with travel. From the president who hops on a jet at the drop of a hat, to the slay queen planning a destination wedding, to the economic migrant searching for greener pastures, and even the genuine traveller seeking medical or educational opportunities, we have become, in effect, an “Ajala travel round the world” nation.
Now all we are getting is disgrace up and down. Mumu countries are restricting us, disgracing our citizens at airports and “catching” our youths on street corners, handcuffing them and throwing them on planes and deporting them just like that.
Let me share a story. One day, I received a call from one of those countries, cancelling my visa – just like that. They advised I reapply, and I wondered why they were asking me to do so when it was just renewed and I had just returned from a trip. I ignored them. Me? Edgar, reapply? I know even answer them.
Then their ambassador now invited me to dinner to mark their national day – I tore the letter. You humiliated me on one side, as in I’m not good enough to enter your country and spend my money, so why are you inviting me to come and drink tasteless tea in your Ambassador’s house? Crap.
It’s time for Nigerians to start respecting themselves abeg and siddon in one place. Lebanese, Indians and Chinese are fighting to be our citizens, and here we are running into slavery. We no just get sense, I swear. We should all boycott these embassies and remain and build our country, abeg. Enough is enough.
Remi Tinubu, the Chief Librarian
Last week I called her hubby the Marketer-in-Chief, this week I now want to hail mummy. If I continue like this, Reno will soon reach out and invite me to lunch. But truth be said, Remi – if I can call her that – has been a very bright spotlight in this “regime.” If you ask me, she has leveraged her experience from years of public service to design a critical inroad towards supporting Nigerians in the soft areas.
Her philanthropic interventions hit the mark and leave a lasting impression. Let me unashamedly say it here that I am her fan and would like to meet her one day. She has undoubtedly won my admiration.
Well, I have seen reports where she has allegedly asked all the sycophants that surround her to move monies meant for gifts and advertorials for her upcoming birthday towards the completion of the National Library. I say God bless you, my dear mummy, and if you were single or divorced, I would have toasted you today.
The last time this kind of thing happened was when Obasanjo moved his own hordes of sycophants to Abeokuta and made them build a Presidential Library.
So, my mummy, God bless you, let all the people that have been empowered by your husband’s agbado policies come and donate to a worthy cause.
God bless you, madam, and I do really wish you a happy birthday. Please send me the account details. I have N5,000 to send to you. Ema binu ma, but this my donation is not selfless o. When you guys want to appoint Chief Librarian, please remember this my donation o. kai. Well done, ma.
Nasir El-Rufai as Opposition Personified
No matter what you want to call him, El-Rufai personifies a bold and courageous bulwark against the marauding train that President Tinubu and his mandate represent in Nigeria today.
See, let’s be very serious here – President Tinibu is simply the most powerful president, or should I even say leader, that we have had since independence.
See, carry all those so-called military despots and put them together, dem no reach one Tinubu’s finger.
The evidence is there. How many of them could remove the fuel subsidy? With all their gra gra did they, could they? Even Obasanjo, was he able to cow the National Assembly? See the National Assembly we now have – full choristers in the Tinubu orchestra.
My brother, Tinubu today can fold Nigeria and put us in one portfolio and sell us to Mexicans and collect the money for an extended boat cruise to enjoy his retirement.
In all of these, one man now stands up and says NO. I no gree, and that man is Nasir El-Rufai. The man has, in all intents and purposes, refused to be cowed and went ahead to build a coalition to fight to a standstill.
I know that he will not win the elections, he will not succeed because this Tinubu train has gone very far. Let’s not kid ourselves, with the kind of electoral apathy which I want to say may be deliberate, to this INEC or judiciary or police or Army, where do you really think you can use to dislodge?
Then again, he went to build a coalition and added Atiku, thereby ensuring an inevitable loss because that one will carry his usual gra gra into the matter and will refuse to step down for a better candidate who has a better chance.
Despite all of these, I salute his courage, I swear. The man has never been known to be a weak sycophant who bows to any government in power. This is why some of us really admire him.
Remember how he took Emefiele to court to fight the naira redesign policy, which literally gave Tinubu the presidency, after which he was humiliated during the ministerial hogwash.
Kudos to El-Rufai, my brother. I have huge respect for you, and I stand tall to proclaim it. Anybody wey no like am, can come and beat me. Thank you.
Dino Melaye: A Rookie Lawyer on the Loose
This one does not want to do apprenticeship first before he enters market. Less than one year after graduation, he has carried himself to the NBA conference, walking around with Kanayo-Kanayo, a celebrity “juju man” and lawyer. As if that was not enough, he has gone to open a big law chamber and is yet to argue any case o.I saw a clip of the office and I must tell you that it was expansive. He was even recorded as saying that he bought N50million worth of law books.
My brother, the law profession – not this one that we are seeing today o, but that of Rotimi Williams, Ademola Adetokunbo, Darnley Alexander used to be a profession of processes, long apprenticeship and sturdy learning with a very high entry barrier.
Today, clowns are now being made SANs and even the bench, we don’t even know the kinds of muppets we are seeing in wigs. The barrier for entry has been so lowered that just anybody can literally just stroll in and call themselves lawyers, donning wigs, and doing skits.
I just pity anybody who has a serious case and goes to Dino to represent them. This whole thing just reminds me of one of my matters o.
I owed a client N150million, and he threatened me with EFCC. I took my lawyer to negotiate and plead my case. My lawyer wore a very expensive suit, and I thought I had carried a human being.
When we got to the client, within seconds, I just heard my lawyer shout, “I will deal with you, aghhhhh.” I had to quickly stop him. “Oga, please na, we are begging.” The next thing the lawyer told my client was, I will slap you. My client also hot-tempered, stood up and promised to beat up my lawyer. Before I could say ‘Jack’, my lawyer removed his suit and shouted, “I will shoot you, I have a gun in my car.” I just ran away, and needless to say, I found myself inside the EFCC cell a few days later. I offered to defend myself before the lawyer would do the one that would fetch me treason charges for my debt.
I congratulate the Nigerian Bar Association on its new member, a worthy addition.
Nyesom Wike: The Last Stand
I know for a fact that this one will not be sleeping well at night, and it shows in his physical outlook. I think he has dribbled himself into a cul-de-sac. As a very distant observer, I can boldly say that these are the last days of the reign of the “gin warrior.”
Oya, let’s analyse. A PDP member in an APC government who didn’t get there in any power-sharing or coalition formation initiative. He has done his best to be more loyal to his president and, in the process, has worked very assiduously to weaken the PDP. In the last election, his PDP was roundly trounced while his master, the APC, emerged. Now that is the contradiction of his celebrations.
PDP now wants to find their feet, and he has come again with all sorts of hurdles. He will most likely succeed in destabilising those ones so that their weakness will continually be assured, and then the inevitable will happen – Tinubu will be reelected, and then his own demise will be sealed.
If Wike really sees himself in a Tinubu second term, then he must truly be drunk. Even me, sitting down here in Shomolu, know very clearly that there is nothing for him once we get to that dispensation. Like a wet rag, he will be discarded because, truth be told, he is more of a burden for them than an asset. His relevance is keeping PDP wobbly, and that is all.
Let’s be serious, can Wike win an election in any part of this country? Can he mobilise votes outside of Rivers State? Can he deliver a candidate in Sokoto, and can he hold an international position representing Nigeria at the UN, for example or discussing economic issues at Davos or negotiating debt relief with the Paris Club?
Tinubu that I know is not beholden to anybody; once your relevance is, that is it. I do not see a Wike apparition post-2027, and that will be a total relief to all stakeholders.
I wish him well. I really do like him, though, you will not believe, but I like him.
Kashim Shettima: Happy Birthday, Boss
Aghhh!!! I just realised that oga is just three years my senior, and I immediately felt like a failure. Kai, bro has not even hit 60 and he is the Vice President of a whole Nigeria, and I am here wearing “tear tear” trousers and calling myself Duke of Shomolu all over the place.
Mbok, which one is the Duke of Shomolu when my generation is the Vice President o? Kai, if not for the office, I would call him Kashi Baba or Shetty Baby. But as na our Vice President, the respect for the office kicks in.
His Excellency has been very quiet recently, as we are not sure if he will be on the ballot or not, and that is why he took out a full-page article to hail his oga for wishing him a happy birthday. That is what they call emotional blackmail. I am sure he must have gotten a near Nobel Laureate to conjure those words.
But Baba Tinubu will take more than those words to make him do what he does not want to do. The boss will have to show real value, or better still, he should quickly donate to the National Library and put a plaque at the main gate announcing his donations.
Happy birthday, boss. Don’t worry, no matter what comes, you have tried. At least, some of us your age mates are still in Shomolu touring the brothels when you have reached Vice President level. Well done for representing our generation so well, well done, my brother, His Excellency.
I Just Love Patience Jonathan
I am just crazy about this mummy. She doesn’t ever waste time. She will just say it as it is and move on. Anybody who does not like it can go and get a hard brush and scrub their bum.
In a video that I have seen, she said she would not follow her Oga back o. That she is looking fresh and young with no stress, and that if God has taken you there and back safely, what else are you going to look for.
This, in a humorous way, delineates the way the true Nigerian feels about President Jonathan’s insinuated ambition.
This is the problem with leaders with no vision. Even if they are pushing you, you cannot be bold and firm and say NO. Mbok, what exactly is President Jonathan coming to do if this is true, if not to balkanise the southern votes?
The man simply has nothing to offer in any area of national development. He is weak, slow to make a decision and has no convictions whatsoever, and this is not the kind of leader we need in this country right now.
I am saying it one more time, I will vote Tinubu one thousand times instead of voting for Jonathan just once. So Mummy always remind him that Nigerians don’t want him, and if he insists, ignore him. Do it for Nigeria, it’s the patriotic thing to do. Thank you.
Simon Ekpa: One Down, How Many to Go?
During the week, this one was sentenced to six years imprisonment for sundry charges bordering on terrorism and the rest. My only issue now is that they will now go and put him inside air condition cell with a fridge and Netflix.
What has transpired in Nigeria has been heinous, I tell you. People have died in their hundreds, families dislocated, and a whole sub-region of the country remains desolated with dislocated economies, all because one man is playing computer simulations.
The Finland authorities have shown a spark that our own authorities are bereft. His senior brother is still here, entangling with our legal system years after and telling lawyers to shut up and attempting to decide which judge will preside over his matter.
The Finnish people just delivered a quick judgment, and pronto, oga is in prison.
I wish him well, I really do wish him well. Nigeria remains one, not by accident but as prescribed by God and man. Thank you.
Appreciation to SONTA
Let me thank the Society of Theatre Arts Practitioners It is Society of Nigeria Theatre Artists, (SONTA) for the honour they bestowed on me the other day. They say that for my contributions to theatre, they decided to line up professors in full regalia to give me an award. Kai, I was so happy and humbled.
God bless you all. Thank you.
Tosin Adefeko: Talking Too Much
Tosin, or Tosh as some of us call her, is curating “talk.” What most of us have not realised is that the podcast industry is a multi-billion naira one employing thousands of Nigerians and generating billions in advertising and streaming revenues.
Tosh and her team have now decided to curate all of these stories and personalities into a large village of talkers. She has called it Podfest, and as we speak, some of the biggest Podcasters like Chudi, me, Patrick Doyle and the rest have confirmed attendance.
It promises to be a biggie as the level of interest and confirmations are beating all projections.
Tosin is an enigma; she is a major player in the PR space and has veered a little bit towards storytelling and, in a very short time, delineated a space for herself where she is better at curating “talk” and giving it a sense of directional purpose.
I remain very excited about this event as it will not only pull in the crowd but will, as designed, better position the space as a veritable tool for social cohesion with its varied platforms engaging and sensitising Nigerians on so many issues – a powerful “exhale machine.” Well done, ma.
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